Neuro-Linguistic Programming

The Science of Achievement

Representational Systems and Rapport Building

When Bandler and Grinder first began working on creating NLP they soon realised that language was not the only area of communication. It is believed that all communication starts with thoughts, which are then passed onto other people by words, tonality and body language. As you listen to people it will become apparent that we each use different specific words to describe things; our choice of words derives from our personal view of the world.

If you stop to consider what the actual words people say mean you can discover how they perceive their world. For example if somebody was to say, ‘I see what you’re saying,’ this would translate to them actually being able to see the words coming from your mouth. Of course this is impossible; we can’t take statements such as this literally.

Our internal world is represented to us through our senses; sight, touch, sound, smell and taste. We each represent our world in a unique way utilising our senses in different proportions. Some of us are predominantly visual, whereas others are kinaesthetic (feelings based) or auditory (sound) orientated.

Understanding how we perceive our worlds can improve our communication skills and aid us in building rapport. Have you ever met some body who you have instantly got along with, finding it easy to talk and communicate with them? Have you ever stopped to think why this would be? It has been discovered that we get along with people who believe to be like us. If you are communicating with a visual person you would find it easier to build rapport and communicate with them should you speak in a visual fashion by using phrases such as,’ I see what you’re saying,’ and, ‘that looks good’.

You will find in life that it is much easier to get what from those around you when you are communicating with them more effectively. But how do you know how anybody is representing their world? Visual orientated people tend to speak fairly fast, making a lot of body gestures. Kinaesthetic people tend to speak slower and talk about feelings, they may also touch themselves or the things round them a lot. Auditory orientated people tend to speak at a very slow speed as they usually find themselves listening to what they are actually saying and body language would typically be stationary.

So, to communicate effectively with those around you, you need to communicate in a way they understand. To do this effectively we are going to learn the art of mirroring. Bandler and Grinder discovered that by ‘Mirroring’ the people you are communicating with it is much easier to get across what it is that you are trying to communicate. If you are communicating with a visual orientated person then rapport will be built easier if you speak at similar rate and tonality as them as well as making similar gestures as them; be prepared to speak fast and wave many gestures. Just as speaking slowly and more precise with fewer hand gestures will aid you in speaking with auditory orientated people. Mirroring can take time to perfect but it is well worth the time invested. Another way of improving your mirroring skills is by utilising Access Cues.

It has often been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This saying has more truth then most of us would first realise. We all access information through processes made in our brain. It is possible to see what type of information a person is accessing by looking at the direction their eyes go when asked a specific question.

When a person is accessing visual information they will generally look up. The following diagrams explain better the direction that the eyes would go when certain information is accessed.

Access cues as you see another persons eyes:

For most right handed people the above diagram is accurate. For left handed people the diagrams should be reversed. Although the above diagram can only be used as a generalisation you will find that most visually orientated people will be constantly looking up to access that information. This technique can also be useful to know whether somebody is lying to you, just in case you feel the need to use you newly acquired skills for evil. If a right handed person looks to your left you could have reason to believe that they are distorting the truth. Such techniques are now being used by the FBI. Be aware however that the above information is only a generalisation, a better way of understanding access cues is by asking a person questions to which you would know the answer (such as what colour is the sky?) to more accurately learn an individuals access cues.
Body language can also be a highly effective way of building rapport. As mentioned before, when mirroring a visual person you would expect many hand gestures. Your mirroring can be advanced by practicing cross matching and cross-over matching. When you cross match you simply match the other person’s gestures movement to movement, if they cross their legs and tap a finger then you simply do the same. Sub-consciously they will realise that you are just like them and communicate better. You can also try cross-over matching which works in a similar principle, the only difference being that it is not as structured or ultimately obvious. If for example they are swinging their leg in a particular rhythm you could tap your finger in the same rhythm. Their brain will recognise this as a similar movement and rapport will be gained. Techniques such as this can take time to master but once you feel you are advancing well you could also try mirroring their breathing rate which is totally subconscious.

Another benefit to mirroring people is that you gain the ability to understand how they are feeling. Have you ever tried to be happy whilst keeping your shoulders slumped and head down? It’s near impossible. By matching body language it becomes easier to understand how a person is feeling because you feel the same way. With this it is easier to understand when a person is getting excited and how to carry a conversation as a result.

Pacing and Leading

Pacing and leading is a powerful way of reaching an agreement that you have decided with someone. Pacing would simply be described as mirroring (or rapport building). Once enough rapport has been built it is possible to ‘lead’ a person into your ‘world’, as sub-consciously they will want to keep the rapport built between you.

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